


Look, It's Dinosaurs!

by EvilDime



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, BAMF Neville Longbottom, Crack, Dinosaurs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Exhibitionism, First Time, Fluff and Humor, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Light BDSM, M/M, Master of Death Harry Potter, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Outdoor Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Time Travel, Top Harry Potter, Unsafe Sex, Virgin Harry Potter, creationist bashing, weird animal mating habits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:15:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24662149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvilDime/pseuds/EvilDime
Summary: When a ritual gone wrong lands Harry and Malfoy in the age of dinosaurs, Harry is spooked by some things he sees there. Ridiculous misunderstandings about animal vs. human mating habits ensue (and eventual human-on-human sex).
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Hannah Abbott/Neville Longbottom
Comments: 37
Kudos: 168





	1. Welcome to the Past

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Susnake](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Susnake).



> For Susnake, who really enjoyed the bits of - admittedly not fact checked - trivia I brought back from my company outing to the archaeology faculty's fossil collection.  
> So: Weird, amusing dinosaur and other animal trivia and oddly emotional outdoors sex. That's it, that's the fic.

Harry looked at the large, scaly body with the immense, tree trunk-sized legs, the absurdly long neck and even longer tail. "Oh you've got to be kidding me."

The huge beast didn't seem to hear him. Undeterred by Harry's disapproval, it ripped another mouthful of leaves out of the crown of the tree and started peaceably chewing it.

Beside him, Draco Malfoy was staring up at the large reptile with equally wide, disbelieving eyes. "That's not any dragon I've ever seen."

"Thanks for stating the obvious," Harry groused. "It's a fucking _dinosaur!"_

"A... dinosaur," Malfoy said, testing the word like he had heard it before but couldn't quite place it.

Harry frowned. "You know: Big, scaly reptiles that lived on our planet a few million years before humans did and died out because of an meteorite strike or something? Stegosauruses, T-rexes, and flying pterodactyls? Please don't say that all wizards are creationists and nobody ever told me!"

"Crea- what?" Malfoy was frowning now, too, but Harry thought it was just because he was trying to figure out if Harry was insulting him, and not because he knew that yes, yes Harry was.

"Look," Harry said, turning his back on the grazing diplodocus as though the fourteen ton behemoth were your average farm animal. "The history class at Hogwarts is obviously deficient, but surely your preschool -" Malfoy scoffed and Harry rolled his eyes - "right. Your _fancy, pureblooded, noble private teacher -_ " and Malfoy's cheeks actually _flushed_ at that! Harry was delighted - "must have told you _something_ about the history of animal life on Earth."

"He did," Malfoy said. "First, there was the primal potion, from which - obviously - the first ones to develop and reach the land were the reptiles, because snakes are naturally superior." He smirked, and Harry rolled his eyes. 

"Do go on," Harry said, one eyebrow cocked. Dinosaurs would be the logical next step in this hilariously condensed and  pureblood-ized, but  roughly  compatible history of the world. 

"I'm sure you  must  know this,"  Malfoy said condescendingly,  implying that, reconciliation and tentative friendship aside, he still thought Harry was an idiot . "Next, the larger animals developed and the snake evolved into the dragon, the crow of nature's creations." He preened. 

"Ow," Harry said.

"What,"  Malfoy asked, unimpressed. 

"I rolled my eyes so hard it kind of hurt," Harry explained.

Malfoy scoffed. "Right." Harry thought it sounded suspiciously like  _moron._

Harry cleared his throat. "So. These… dragons. Were they like our present-day dragons? Did all of them fly, and breathe fire?"

Malfoy frowned. "I suppose. Why wouldn't they?"

Harry hooked a thumb over his shoulder, pointing back to the grazing non-firebreathing, earth-bound lizard.

"Huh," Malfoy made.

"Muggles call them dinosaurs," Harry said. "Some of the smaller ones can fly, but mostly they just lumber around on the ground. Some, like this fella here, eat leaves and grass, while others are predators and would consider us a tasty snack. Kind of like our modern dragons, just without the fire-breathing."

He decided not to mention his elementary school natural science teacher, Doctor Miller, who one day ran around the school excitedly waving the latest issue of his science mag, which claimed that archaeologists had found residue of a material akin to a Teflon coating in the backs of some fossilized dinosaur's throats. This was believed to indicate that certain species had, after all, been capable of breathing fire. Four weeks later, Harry heard him dispiritedly admitting to a colleague that he'd bought that particular mag in April... and the May issue disclosed that article as an April 1st hoax.

"So muggles know of dragons?" Malfoy asked, looking honestly surprised.

"They know of dinosaurs," Harry corrected. "But those are believed to be extinct. Otherwise, dragons only appear in fairy tales and fantastic novels."

"How could something as majestic as the ancient dragons have died out?!" Draco looked outraged.

"Nobody really knows." Harry frowned, part of his brain dragging the knowledge from the older recesses of his memory while the larger part busily speculated on what really happened, since dragons _did_ exist and were quite likely descended from the dinosaurs. "Far as I know, the most popular theory is that a meteorite hit earth, dramatically changing the climate and inducing an ice age, which did in all the pretty, large reptiles and mammals of that time. ...Does wizarding history acknowledge the ice ages?"

"It does," Malfoy conceded. " Though  the  meteorite idea is obviously wrong.  Muggles," he scoffed. " The ice age was caused by a power imbalance between the  Dark andLight magicks of the earth."

Harry sighed. "Equally likely, I suppose." Then he frowned. "But how did dinosaurs, or dragons, whatever you want to call them - how did they survive? Do wizards have a theory about that?"

"Magic."

"Right…" Harry supposed that was kind of an answer. And, since the dinosaurs were assumed to be extinct and hadn't been traceable in the muggle world for millions of years, potentially valid.

"So what is a 'Creationist'?" Malfoy asked.

Harry was surprised he remembered and bothered to ask about it. Since the end of the war, Malfoy had never wavered from his claim that he was proud to be a pureblood, but disgusted by his father's association with the madman called Voldemort. It had bought him a ticket out of Azkaban and back into Hogwarts after the end of the war. Harry was somewhat relieved not to see his childhood nemesis in prison - not least because that brief, panicked broom flight they had shared had felt a lot better than he thought it should have. As always, Harry hastily pushed that thought aside.

So, no prison: good. Seeing Malfoy in class, however, with the other boy rubbing it in his face how much Harry had missed while Malfoy had gotten at least half an education during his first attempt at seventh year… well. That, Harry could have done without.

He thought he also could have done without Malfoy's bumbling attempts at distancing himself from his father's ideology, occasionally going so far as to try to understand muggle culture and society. What he hated most about it was that Malfoy wasn't doing it with the goal of true understanding, but more in a "we need to know how the underclass thinks" way. Malfoy didn't want to accept muggleborns into wizarding society, he just didn't want to be seen as ignorant.

But gods, was it ever surreal to see him quizzing Ron about the uses of a joystick!

"Your father talks about nothing but muggle artefacts, doesn't he? So you must know what this is good for. Do muggles use it as a weapon? Or is it, as the name suggests, you know…"

Ron honest-to-god blushed. He blushed! At that point, Harry had hurriedly left the premises, trying not to burst a gut laughing at them.

"Potter?"

"Ah, creationists. Right. So several rather prominent religious belief systems have ancient writings that document the creation of the earth by the One God. God created the sky, the earth, the sea, all the plants and animals and at the end of his _week's_ work, man. According to the more extreme believers, science is evil, evolution is a hoax and dinosaurs never existed."

"Muggles are stupid."

"Yeah, because a wizard would never believe anything without proof."

Malfoy gave him a wary look. "I wouldn't."

"Uh-huh," Harry made, unconvinced.

"What."

"How about this one: Hermione is always the first one to perform a new charm correctly. How does your philosophy of pureblood supremacy explain that?"

"She's an outlier."

Harry laughed. " _'I made up my mind, don't confuse me with facts'_ , is that what you're saying?"

"I am not as  narrow-minded as your creationists," Malfoy sulked. 

"You just keep telling yourself that," Harry said, and reached out to condescendingly pat Malfoy on the head. Curiously, the action didn't earn him the expected cuff around the ears, but just a pair of hunched shoulders. The other boy didn't pull away, though. How odd.

Mildly weirded out, Harry withdrew his hand of his own accord and took a step back.  He cleared his throat, aimed for a matter-of-fact tone and only missed by a few dinosaur feet.  "Creationists and philosophy aside, I believe the dinos prove that  we travelled a  _mite_ further than intended." 

Malfoy turned back to Harry and gave him an unimpressed glare. "You think?"

Inured to the other boy's evil eye since sixth grade, Harry continued: "The question is, do we still stay here the full two weeks or is there any way to speed up the return to our own time?"

Malfoy knew more about magical theory than Harry did, always had and likely always would. As the other boy geared up for a theory rant worthy of Hermione on a bad day, Harry leaned back against a friendly tree and relaxed. Malfoy would figure it out.

Meanwhile, Harry would keep a look out. It wouldn't do to end up in the powerful jaws of a tyrannosaurus rex just when they figured out how to get back. He'd heard that some dinosaurs had masseters so powerful that over time, they tore a gap into the backs of their skulls. Not the t-rex, though: it could bite as hard as it wanted. The t-rex was special that way - its lower jaw was built to gap down the middle rather than risk splitting open its skull when it enthusiastically chewed up a couple of juicy, out-of-time mammals. Way to go, tyrannosaurus. 

Harry wiped his glasses and glared hard into the distance.

* * *

It turned out that even Malfoy didn't know of a way to speed up their return schedule, the delicate balance between the potion, charms and rune scheme involved making any alterations to their stay in the past potentially lethal. He could, however, reassure Harry that despite missing their mark by several million years, he was confident they would still return at the end of the originally planned two weeks. They may not have learned the secret of Hufflepuff's lost formula against dementia for their joint eighth year herbology project, but at least chances were that they would get through this in one piece.

The bushes to Harry's right rustled and the wind produced something like a relieved sigh in the leaves. Harry could relate. Silver linings and all that. In keeping with that thought, Harry reflected on the fact that while they may be stuck for two weeks in a time and place that featured two-legged predators that weighed up to a dozen tons and likely had an appetite to match, at least they still had their wands. He had the hallows, too. And they were past that awkward teenage phase where they were constantly trying to kill each other.

Really, this could have been so much worse. Imagine being stuck here with the Draco Malfoy of two years ago, or even just one year. _Sectumsempra_ would be the least Harry would need to cast if that were the case, and the likelihood of both of them returning home alive and sane would be a billywig's fart above zero. 

Of course, 'sane' was a bit hit and miss with both of them at the best of times. Witness Malfoy possessively clutching the single bezoar they owned between them while Harry went ahead and tasted the five-foot long fish they had accioed from the nearby river, scraped out of its sturdy, scaly hide, gutted with zero expertise, then grilled over an incendio-induced fire. Thank Merlin their wands worked the same way in this time before the Great Unbalancing as they did after! Neither of them would likely have survived two days otherwise.

They had no clue if the fish was at all edible, and one might have assumed that the man trying it first should get the bezoar in case he needed to fight food poisoning in a hurry. Instead, though, Harry charged ahead with true Gryffindor abandon, while Malfoy kept their means of salvation to himself, not trusting the other to take the remedy only in dire need.

Of course, Malfoy didn't know that Harry owned three items saying he didn't really have to worry much about accidentally getting killed. Meanwhile, Harry had no idea if Malfoy would actually give him the bezoar if it poisoned Harry to the point of unbearable pain, but not death.

Sadly, Harry was not acting due to some careful deliberation resulting in a willingness to trust Malfoy when he bit into the fish - he was just hungry and determined never to have a repeat of his lean Dursley days if he could at all help it.

Harry chewed. Malfoy watched. The aroma of the humongous grilled prehistoric aquatic animal rose from the fire and wafted toward Malfoy on the mild breeze. It seemed to be late spring or early summer here; if they were lucky, they might find some edible berries or vegetables - provided they recognized them as such. Harry had a vague idea that most of the modern foodstuff was cross-bred and genetically altered to a point that the wild versions of most green stuff looked nothing like the shiny, juicy things Aunt Petunia brought home from the supermarket. He feared he would be incapable of recognizing the real thing.

Swallowing his mouthful, he eagerly bit off more. They had no salt or herbs to season the fish with, and there was a bitter tang that Harry suspected resulted from their blundering attempts to remove the gall bladder, but it was still really nice to have something warm and rich in his mouth after a day spent exploring their potentially hostile environment.

Malfoy's eyes were glued to Harry's lips. Looking up, Harry met his eyes briefly before the other man looked away. "Tastes okay," Harry commented, trying to break the awkward silence.

Malfoy sneered and still wouldn't meet his eyes.

Harry chewed.

Twenty minutes passed. Harry slowed down the more his stomach filled. He began cutting stripes off the remaining carcass to roast beside the bit they had termed dinner. He hadn't liked the beef jerkies or shrink-wrapped dried fish amongst Hermione's provisions while they were on the run, but he had been grateful for them nonetheless. Unpleasant food was far superior to none. Harry had no idea how many fish were actually in that river; best to preserve what they had any way they could.

Another long stretch of time passed without a word spoken between them.

They'd decided on a two hour safety period before Malfoy would attempt to eat. If Harry hadn't dropped dead by then, Malfoy would go ahead and try his luck. Maybe one hour had passed by now. Harry was feeling pleasantly full, but the scent of the grilled fish on the wind was still attractive to him. He had no idea how Malfoy was holding out on his empty stomach while smelling that.

Right on cue, Malfoy's better knowledge lost the battle with his baser human instincts.

"Fuck it."

Harry watched, amused, as Malfoy took down the second half of the piece termed dinner, cut off a large chunk and savagely bit into it. "For what it's worth, it didn't taste off and I'm feeling fine," Harry commented.

Malfoy grumbled something unintelligible and kept on devouring the hot, juicy fish.

Harry grinned.

* * *

Their first week was spent exploring and trying to stay off the radar of the carnivorous dinosaurs or potentially also currently alive mammal predators. Neither boy remembered much from their lessons on prehistoric life-forms, so they weren't really sure if woolly mammoths and sabre-toothed tigers had been around at the same time as the dinosaurs or later. But they didn't meet either and eventually put the question out of their minds.

They managed to find and summon another fish before their first one ran out, and they unearthed a handful of slim, vaguely carrot-like roots. Having consumed those without ill effect, they ventured into the berries and after a few lucky guesses finally used up the bezoar. At that point, they decided that their repertoire of edible foodstuff was large enough to see them through the remaining ten days and stopped trying new things.

Malfoy occasionally spouted random trivia about magical creatures that Harry had no idea what to do with. For instance, while they were less than expertly gutting their second fish, Malfoy suddenly proclaimed: "There's a louse that can switch gender, did you know that? It starts out as male, then grows into being a female. It reproduces while riding a fish" - here, he gave the huge, scaly monster they had summoned a speculative glance that did odd things to Harry's insides - "and then it destroys the fish's tongue and attaches itself in its stead, leaching the fish's blood and mucus."

Harry snorted. That had taken a fast turn from being sexy. "You're full of it, Malfoy."

At night, they made their beds in a small cave that they spelled shut with a large boulder before going to sleep. It was mildly claustrophobic, but, as Malfoy convinced Harry: safety first. Harry was pretty sure Malfoy had a skewed perspective, never having been made to sleep in a small, dusty cupboard beneath the stairs; but in this instance, he grudgingly conceded that Malfoy was right. So he kept his peace.

The first morning, Harry woke up and found he had migrated over from his side of the cave to wrap himself around Malfoy in his sleep.

Embarrassing.

Harry was relieved to find Malfoy still asleep, blissfully unaware of Harry's unrequited cuddling.

Still, he thought it wasn't an accident that Malfoy chose that morning to fuzzily inform Harry that "The female imperial dragonfly eats the male after coupling, did you know that? Just tugs him close and then bites off his head." Having said that, Malfoy heartily bit into his breakfast of dried fish and berries.

After that, Harry made sure to avoid further awkward mornings by spelling Malfoy more deeply asleep once the other man had nodded off, making Harry always the first one to wake.

They squabbled. Of course they did. But it never went past the point where one or both walked off in different directions, fuming or sulking. They didn't come to blows. They never cursed each other. Both men were acutely aware that their chances of survival doubled if they remained together. Also, Harry thought, they really had come a long way since first year. Neither of them wanted to kill the other, they trusted each other not to poison the food while the other wasn't looking, and they didn't even play any pranks. And not for lack of opportunities, but just because it didn't feel right.

That was Harry's reason, anyway. And he really wanted to presume it was Malfoy's, too.

When they weren't off hunting for roots and berries like the first humans or exploring another valley of their little mountain - where in the world had they ended up, anyway? This sure didn't look like the Scotland they knew. But then, Harry remembered that Eurasia had been one continent in earlier times, there was such a thing as plate tectonics and mountains grew out of the earth where plates collided; so it stood to reason that Scotland right now would look nothing like it did in their time, if it even existed.

Neither Harry nor Malfoy had ever heard of anyone travelling this far back in time, so there was no precedent for what magic might do if the target location in time did not have a matching geographic location.

For all they knew, they might have ended up swimming in the middle of a freezing ocean. Harry was kind of grateful to fate and magic that that hadn't happened.

He hated swimming in ice water.

Also, Malfoy would probably have died, which would have been a shame. He was just so pretty to look at.

...Anyway, when they weren't otherwise occupied, Harry did nothing but look at Malfoy. Be it that they were talking about school, trading gossip or coaching each other on their weaker subjects, be it that they were lying side by side looking up at the unfamiliar stars; no matter where and when, Harry's eyes would always stray back to Malfoy, to his fine-boned cheeks, his elegant nose, his narrow yet nicely curved lips, the eyes that were so expressive when he let go of his pureblood prince's mask. Harry's fingers itched to card through that glossy, blond hair. He wanted to know if it felt as soft as it looked.

Harry found his eyes straying over to Malfoy as they were lying in their cave at night, with Harry waiting for Malfoy to fall asleep and having only a narrow ray of moonlight to see by. And of course Malfoy was the first thing Harry saw when he woke each morning, pressed up tightly against his former nemesis.

He hated to admit it, even to himself, but Harry realized he had a problem.

* * *

The fifth day of their involuntary prehistoric adventure, Harry decided he had to think. He left Malfoy in charge of grilling their second large fish and went off to scout the perimeter for dangerous predators. As he crept through the bushes and slunk along boulders, his wand always at the ready, he thought about his tragic crush on Malfoy.

It wasn't like Malfoy was still his enemy, but they weren't exactly friends, either. With how often Malfoy made it clear that Harry was not in the pureblood heir's league, lacking breeding, education, finesse and elegance, Harry was under no illusion that the other man would ever desire him.

Besides, according to the Hogwarts rumour mill, Malfoy was quite experienced in sexual matters. Harry, for his part, had rather lacked for opportunities, what with fighting to stay alive and out of Voldemort's clutches ever since he'd entered the wizarding world. There had been that desperate fumble in the woods with Hermione, but she was firmly back with Ron now, so the less said about that, the better.

If, by some miracle, Malfoy and Harry did end up in bed together, Malfoy would probably exit five minutes later with a disgusted sneer because Harry had no idea what the fuck he was doing.

So depressing.

Had Harry known that he was going to prove his own worst fears absolutely founded within the hour, he would probably have wondered if holding onto his cloak, stone and wand was really worth it.


	2. Dinosaur Sex

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" Harry burst into the clearing screaming his head off, too disoriented and horrified to notice he had made it home until he ran smack into Malfoy and they both fell to the ground in a tumble of limbs and wands.

"Potter!" Malfoy yelled, trying to get the panicking man's attention. When Harry just stared at him, wild-eyed and uncomprehending, Malfoy raised his hand slowly to telegraph his intention, then whacked Harry a solid one.

Harry yelped and hastily crawled off Malfoy.

"Potter, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Malfoy tried to growl. Due to his own heart trying to bounce out of his chest, infected by Harry's panic, it started with a fairly flat tone, yet ended in a sad sort of squeak.

"The-they… d-d-dinosaurs, they… _sex!"_ Harry stuttered. 

Malfoy reached for understanding and drew a blank.  "Say what now?"

"I-I-I  _saw!"_ Harry whined. 

"Hold on."  Malfoy held up  one hand in the universal  _stop_ sign and raised the other to dramatically pinch the  bridge  of his nose.  Harry looked at the histrionic gesture  with wide eyes.  His gaze was  met  a moment later by a pained look from Malfoy's  pale  grey eyes.  "So you have not been molested by a dinosaur," Malfoy ventured. 

Harry squeaked indignantly. "Malfoy!"

"And you have not been hunted by them, either, nor been otherwise in mortal danger."

"Er. No?"

Malfoy frowned, looking deeply unhappy. " All your theatrics just now were because you  _saw_ two dinosaurs  mating?  Potter! Seriously?"

"You did not see it," Harry said, feeling the colour fleeing his cheeks once more at the memory.  "It was so horrible…!"

Malfoy scoffed. "Potter. I knew you were a late bloomer, but really.  If you are so high and mighty as to accuse  little  old pureblood me of being a naive… what was the word? Creaturist?"

"Creationist," Harry supplied, distracted from his nausea despite himself.

"Creationist." Malfoy nodded briskly,  apparently committing the word to memory  for good. "Well you get to eat your words now,  thinking yourself so much more knowledgeable than me when you don't even know the first thing about sex."

Harry mutely shook his head, not even trying to fight  the accusation. 

A little worried now, Malfoy cocked his head. "What exactly did you see that traumatized you so?"

Harry lowered his eyes and hugged himself tightly with his own arms.  "There were two… two dinosaurs. Huge, humongous, monstrous things!  And one of them was coming up behind the other. It was… it was obviously ready to go, you know, and then it  _climbed on top of the other dinosaur_ and started to  thrust against it and  _oh_ _-god-I-can't!_ It was just so  _horrible!!!"_

"Potter," Malfoy said slowly, coming closer and  wrapping an arm around Harry's shoulders. It felt kind of nice. Only when he leaned into the warmth did Harry notice he was trembling. 

"Look," Malfoy said, leaning in and whispering to Harry. "It's really not hing to worry about. That is how most animals do it, you know?  Werewolves do it like that, and  kneazels , and many  wizards, too. Though we can also go face to face."

The nausea made an abrupt return. "H-humans do that?  _Like THAT?!?"_

"Well how did you think children were made?"

Harry ducked out from underneath Malfoy's arm and lowered himself slowly to the grass. He felt he needed to be sitting right now, lest he faint in Malfoy's arms like a damsel in distress.

So that happened between humans, too.

Right.

Harry felt his respect for Mrs. Weasley rise like  an American missile when someone said 'oil'.  He knew sex ed usually happened in middle school and there was nothing like it at Hogwarts, so obviously his education would be somewhat lacking. But he'd thought he had pieced together most of the relevant parts just fine. With one rather glaring exception, apparently. 

Wow.

"So… I've never seen… I mean, I didn't think cats did it exactly like that." He'd seen cats  courting, after all, and that had been different.

"Watched some alley cats go at it, huh?" Malfoy grinned gleefully. Then he sobered. "To be fair, it is a little different for cats and kneazels. Apparently the males sort of have spikes on their prick? So as much as the female wants to get pregnant and yowls for him to come closer, the moment he actually gets in there, she will try to kill him for the pain he inflicts."

Ugh. Harry had not known that. Harry had not  _needed_ to know that.  "Well. I know that human pricks don't do  _that,"_ Harry grumbled.  He had one of his own, after all,  and there were no spikes to it,  thank you very much. 

Imagine wanking. With  _spikes._

Nasty.

"Of course," Malfoy said. "I'm just saying, maybe claiming that felines and werewolves did it the same way was a bit of a stretch. There is a lot of variety in nature, after all." He counted them off on his fingers. "Felines have spikes. Canines have knots that swell and prevent separation until they are done. Golden snidgets, in addition to the spikes, get a prick with a spiral twist."

Harry was stuck on the idea of Sirius in grim form having _a knot,_ and did Lupin know that? So he lucked out and missed the part about the spiral thing attached to his favourite game's original live prop. He tuned back in to Malfoy's next revelations, though. 

"Flesh-eating slugs have sex hanging off a branch together with their partner, with their penises dangling and intertwining below like a big, fleshy, translucent flower; those things are about as long as the entire slug! Although, those slugs, as well as centaurs and even erumpents can go piss off, the horclump has them all beat. Its prick is eight times its own length! … Admittedly, it kind of needs it - after all, unless disturbed, those things pretty much stick to the exact same spot their entire life. Not much chance of meeting a partner."

Harry made some feeble gestures with his hands, something like "Stop!" and "I'm kind of dying over here," but Malfoy totally ignored him. If Harry hadn't been  too pole-axed to think in a straight line, he might have speculated that Malfoy had obviously had the run of his father's library, unsupervised, starting at much too young an age.

Out of sheer desperation, Harry clapped his hands over his ears and walked off. That, Malfoy did notice, and he came after Harry a moment later. By the time Malfoy reached him, Harry had found a convenient tree to lean back against. Seeking comfort, he  wrapped his arms around his knees and laid his chin on top. 

"Potter, what's wrong?"  For once,  Malfoy actually sounded like he cared.

"I don't mind that you find animals fascinating," Harry whispered. "We all went through that phase at some point, didn't we? But… could you please hold the weird animal sex facts until I've recovered from the visual and the sound - _oh god the sound!!! -_ of that dinosaur's hip breaking?"

Malfoy didn't answer. The wind rustled the leaves of the nearby trees. The sun shone, occasionally reflecting off something shiny in the bushes. Some small reptile enjoying a spot of sunlight, maybe. A velociraptor screeched in the distance. It was peaceful. Harry felt himself slowly relaxing. 

"...What?"

Harry opened his eyes. He hadn't even noticed that he'd closed them.  "Whazzat?" he asked drowsily. 

What did you just say?"

Harry tried to remember. The traumatic experience had really knocked him for six. When  Malfoy hadn't said anything for so long, Harry must have dozed  right off. What had they been talking about…? 

Ah, yes.

He shuddered. "That dinosaur. When they were, uh, fucking. Those things each weigh  at least  a dozen tons, right? So when one climbed on top of the other, I could hear the bottom one's hips creaking, and once the  top  one really got going,  some bone  very, very  audibly broke."

The nausea returned just from remembering.  "It sounded horrible. I can't imagine what it must be like, for a woman to go through that just to have some kids.  I know men are keener on sex than women, but then again everyone claims women tend to enjoy sex, too. I just don't understand -"

"Potter!" Harry looked up to see Malfoy frantically waving his arms at him. "Potter, stop. That is  _not_ what I meant when I said  wizards do it like dinos!"

"It's not?" Harry looked up at Malfoy, feeling cautious hope stirring in his chest. "Then what did you mean?"

"Just that doing it, ah, _doggy-style_ is popular amongst wizards, too. You know, one partner kneeling behind the other rather than lying on top of them. But I swear I've never heard of anyone breaking a hip while fucking!"

"Oh." Harry breathed a quiet sigh of relief. "That's… that is really good to know."

Malfoy sat down in the grass next to Harry, leaning back against the same tree trunk. Their shoulders brushed. It felt really nice. "So you've actually never had sex?" Malfoy tried to make it sound casual, but he was too obviously invested in the answer to manage.

Harry blushed and looked away. Prevarication would do him little good, here. He had already given too much away. "Yah, not so much," he agreed.

"That's not necessarily a bad thing," Malfoy said, and did Harry imagine that or did the blond sound _eager?_ "I can… I mean, if you like… and once you get over the shock… we could maybe…" He trailed off.

Harry's head flew around to face Malfoy. Woah. How were their faces only two hands apart? Nearly close enough to kiss, if one were so inclined.

_Get a grip, Potter!_

"What are you saying?" Harry was proud of how calm he sounded. This was only a misunderstanding, after all. Malfoy had never offered anything Harry wanted in their entire lives, except maybe this trip to the past which had turned into such a disaster. He couldn't possibly now be offering…

"I would happily teach you, if you like." Harry's train of thought didn't so much derail as it dissolved into a puff of sparkly dust. There was literally nothing going on behind his eyes while he gaped at Malfoy. Malfoy was staring back at him intensely. His cheeks looked flushed, but his grey eyes were clear and open.

"You are serious about this."

Malfoy's jaws worked, but nothing came out for a moment. He finally opted for a simple "Yes."

"Okay," Harry said, dazed. "Sure." He'd only been dreaming of exactly that for the last five months or so. No big deal.

_Cool it, Potter. Calm. The fuck. Down. No need to seem too enthusiastic and - Merlin, Morgana and all the Founders, I have never wanted anything so much in my life._

Why did Malfoy want this, though? Did he just see a chance to humiliate Harry or was there some actual desire involved? Harry thought back to their interactions over the past handful of days. Different from Hogwarts, there was nobody else watching them, judging them. Malfoy had behaved a little bit differently, hadn't he? Maybe while Harry had been testing the fish - and those roots, and the berries, oh and that tough, longish vegetable, too - Malfoy hadn't watched his mouth solely because he desired the food… and maybe all those steadying touches as they climbed up the mountain two days ago weren't all about Malfoy's lack of faith in Harry's sense of balance?

Especially when he had pushed Harry up a steep bit with both hands on his arse.

...Okay. So maaaaaybe there was some precedent here for Malfoy expressing an interest.

_This is so cool._

But wait. Did that mean…

"Malfoy." Harry's voice was dead serious. "Tell me, and don't you lie now: Was enumerating weird facts about huge and painful animal pricks your way of flirting?"

Malfoy's blush deepened. Harry crowed in delight. "Malfoy, you're terrible!"

* * *

They talked. Harry'd had a pretty good idea about how two guys could have sex, but it was nice to get confirmation. After the hip-cracking dinosaur sex scare, he was leery of just forging ahead without some actual sex ed.  Turned out wizards had spells to prevent pregnancy - which, apparently, was occasionally an issue even between two men and how  had he never heard of this before?! \- and venereal diseases. Draco was proficient in  both protective spells. One Cruciatus dodged, Harry figured. 

"Now correct me if I'm wrong," he ventured when Malfoy wound down, "but I'm pretty sure lube is supposed to feature somewhere in all of that.  What do you suggest we use, though? I'm really not keen on having fish grease slathered  all over my lower body, you know." Because  yuck. No.

Malfoy smirked and pulled out his wand.  "Lubricus," he said, pointing it at Harry. 

Harry yelped. Something cold and moist had suddenly appeared between his butt cheeks. "Malfoy! Give a man some warning!" He was  so flustered he blurted out the next thing that came to mind unfiltered: "And that's not even proper Latin."

Malfoy shrugged, unconcerned. " Many  of the more recent spells aren't.  I don't care, as long as they work."

"And you call yourself a traditional pureblood," Harry  mocked. He wriggled around a little, trying to get off the uncomfortably wet patch in his pants. 

"You could just take them off, you know," Malfoy suggested, his eyes half-lidded.

Harry froze. "What, right now?"  The sun shone, some  potentially sentient  creeper plant was rustling in the bushes and there were a couple of triceratops grazing at the foot of the mountains. Being naked out in the open like that seemed wildly inappropriate. Then again… 

"I suppose there is no-one to see me naked except you," he conceded. 

Malfoy nodded encouragingly.

"And we're going to… have sex… anyway," Harry added, cautiously. He still wasn't entirely convinced that would really happen.  He was hopeful, though, and why else would Malfoy  cast a lubrication spell  on him, then tell him to strip?

Harry considered their sleeping cave and the not so mild claustrophobia he always felt in it. 

_Right._

Standing up, Harry briskly opened his belt and dropped trou.  His natural reaction to cover up his bits with his hands was obviously not viable, so he suppressed it ruthlessly and instead balled his hands into fists at his sides. 

Malfoy's face kept the heavy-lidded expression.  The Slytherin seemed to be lazily looking his fill while Harry stood there clad only in his shirt and  jacket - the school robe long since discarded -, feeling like a right moron. 

_In for a sickle,_ he told himself and quickly got rid of the rest of his clothing. That did nothing to make him feel less exposed, but at least he thought he might not look  quite so ridiculous  now. 

The mild breeze whistled past Harry's exposed arse and cooled the gel  lining the… gap. Harry squirmed again. It was unpleasantly cool, but otherwise the lubricant wasn't  too bad, now that it no longer stuck  disgustingly to the fabric of his pants. 

Harry was sure his face must be as red as the  engine of the  Hogwarts express as he stood there, bare-chested, bare-cheeked and with his bits dangling in the breeze for Malfoy's viewing pleasure.  The only items he still wore, if one wanted to call them clothes, were his wand holsters - the holly wand on his right forearm and the elder wand on his left. He felt ridiculous. 

But a look at Malfoy showed him a flush high in the blond man's cheeks and a chest heaving with very quick breaths; at least Harry wasn't the only one affected by the situation, then.  He'd hate to be nervous and excited and keyed up while Malfoy was still suave and smooth and totally in control. This was better. More equal. 

Gods but he hoped Malfoy really knew what he was doing.

"Malfoy?" he asked hesitantly when the other man just kept sitting and staring at him.

"Sorry." Malfoy's voice was strangely absent. "Just never thought I'd really get to see this."

"This?" Harry snorted and gestured at his own chest. "Me, naked? What, you've been dreaming of this back in fourth year while making  _Potter Stinks_ badges?" And woah, where had that come from? Harry had thought he was  long over that whole business, but apparently  not.

Malfoy slowly got to his feet. "I was, actually."

Harry froze. There was no lie in Malfoy's eyes, but then with Slytherins, one never knew. "You mean… You were dreaming about exposing me to the whole school so everyone could laugh about me?"

Malfoy sighed and rubbed at his forehead, the gesture seeming tired and much more  _human_ than Harry had ever seen his former rival act. "Potter. I offered you my friendship back in first year. Don't you remember that?"

"Sure." Harry snorted indelicately, his tense shoulders loosening with the action. " You've only ever wanted to be my friend. That's why you've made my first six years at Hogwarts hell."

"Yes." It was such a simple, short word. How could one word turn Harry's entire world on its head?

Malfoy blinked slowly at him. "What? Did you really think I'd take rejection well? I am a  _Malfoy."_

That… did actually explain it.

Malfoy continued. "And I like a good-looking man. Even more so now that I know he is well-equipped, to boot." Malfoy wasn't looking at Harry's crotch as he said that; instead, his eyes were fondly caressing the wand holsters strapped to both of Harry's arms.

"What can I say? I live  an  exciting  life," Harry managed to quip. " Best to always be prepared."  He tried to strike a confident pose. The lube in his arse  produced a slick smacking sound.

He was saved from the embarrassment by a loud rustle.  The leaves to Harry's left  parted and three tiny,  furry things broke out of the underbrush, squeaking and screeching loudly as they battled each other for… an acorn? Harry wasn't sure what exactly the nut was, nor what those little things were, but he and Malfoy had learned by now to give anything they met a cautionary berth. Sometimes the tiniest fuckers spat venom, and sometimes the largest, most clumsy-looking behemoths were unfairly fast.  Also, they had already used the one bezoar they'd owned between them.  Better to err on the side of caution. 

A moment later,  Harry and Malfoy found themselves sitting on opposite branches of their current shade-and-retreat  tree, Malfoy still fully dressed while Harry was buck-ass naked.  Safely perched on a prehistoric branch wide enough to put the Hogwarts battlements to shame, Harry  frowned unhappily. Malfoy raised an elegant eyebrow in question. 

"The bark chafes," Harry admitted grumpily.

"Aw, poor Harry," Malfoy said. It was obviously meant to be mocking, but Harry's heart still fluttered at hearing his first name from Malfoy's lips.  He took a gamble and replied in kind. "Oh shut it, Draco."

Apparently delighted,  _Draco_ continued: "Do you really want me to shut it,  _Harry?_ I mean, if I stood on that branch right below you, I'd totally  be level with your crotch. But of course, if you'd rather I kept my mouth shut…"

Harry looked at the smirking bastard in stunned surprise, then hastily spread his legs. He felt his prick take a marked interest and decided to shift around so he could at least partially lean against the tree trunk. Danger of falling off the tree branch in his excitement averted, for now. Let it not be said that Harry Potter didn't know how to plan ahead.

"Please, by all means," he said and gestured between his spread legs.

It was really unfair, Harry thought, that  Draco managed to look elegant even  as he climbed down from a tree branch he had fled onto in fear of something that, for all intends and purposes, might just be a couple of mice. But oh, he did.  Harry watched the lithe apparition that was Draco Malfoy  nimbly lower himself to the branch below his erstwhile perch, then lightly  flow down that larger branch until he arrived at Harry's knee. 

"You sure about this?" he asked, one hand sliding smoothly up Harry's thigh.

Harry nodded mutely.

Draco gave him a long, burning look, then stepped in between Harry's legs. Harry's entire body tensed in  anticipation. Two heartbeats later, alive, moist heat enveloped the head of his cock. 

"Oh!"

Looking down, he saw  Draco  looking up at him, the aristocrat's delicate lips wrapped firmly around Harry's rapidly hardening erection. 

"Oh, wow…"

Draco couldn't smirk, but Harry thought the look in his eyes still brought across the blond's amusement loud and clear.  Then Draco got to work and Harry briefly went non-verbal. 

"Oh… oh Merlin… This is… this… huh… uh."

So maybe Harry wouldn't win any prizes for eloquence just at this moment, but Draco didn't seem to mind. Every sound Harry made seemed to spur the blond on and Harry kind of loved that. It made him feel a lot less self-conscious about the gasps and moans that his vocal chords produced quite without any conscious input from his brain.

Harry was paying rather a lot of attention to his own throat, seeing as Draco was valiantly attempting to swallow Harry's prick down his. What would that feel like, he wondered. Didn't it hurt? Harry felt a lot of apprehension, but also some unexpected eagerness  at the thought of returning the favour.  The more he thought about it, the more he liked the thought. Liked it… a lot… 

"Draco! I'm - I'm…" Gasping, Harry twisted one  hand in Draco's hair and pulled. 

The blond's head came up and there was the smirk Harry had been expecting all along. "Excellent," was all the Slytherin said before escaping Harry's surprise-slackened grip to bend back down.

Harry had not expected that  _confused_ would be the most prominent emotion he felt while orgasming with another person for the first time.  _I guess that's just Malfoy for you,_ he told himself with an internal sigh. He followed it up with an audible one, this one accompanied with a lot less metaphorical eye-rolling and quite a bit of sated pleasure. Harry slumped back against the tree. 

"Thanks, Draco," he said earnestly. "That was…"

Draco looked up at him with a surprising hint of uncertainty beneath the habitual façade of self-confident bravado.

"...bloody brilliant," Harry finished. He delighted in seeing Draco's cheeks flush at the praise.

"C'mere," Harry said,  scooting back to lean more fully against the tree trunk and  patting the  branch between his spread legs. Draco frowned at him. "What?" Harry asked, mellow and  slow to clock the problem. 

Draco primly raised his wand and evanescoed the  few dribbles of escaped  fluids between Harry's thighs.  _Neat freak,_ Harry thought, but there was no bite to the insult.  He was just happy to have Draco actually taking his invitation and settling down with his back leant against Harry's chest. Harry didn't know why, but he had the sudden, fierce urge to cuddle and Draco was obliging him. 

Perfect.

Wrapping his arms around the blond, Harry sighed happily into Draco's neck. "Brilliant," he repeated.  Draco relaxed back into him.  The bark at Harry's back chafed a little, and Harry once more became ridiculously aware of his own nakedness when the cloth of Draco's shirt touched his chest, but none of  that  mattered. He had just had his first orgasm shared with someone else and he was too giddy to care about much else. 

For a while, neither of them moved and Harry let himself drift a little on the post-orgasmic high and the perfect feel of Draco's body in his arms.  It took him way too long to realize that he  _had Draco's body in his arms_ and it  _felt perfect._ Once he  clued into  this fact, though, gone was the relaxed lassitude.  Harry's hands began to roam, appreciating the unexpected treasure they had been presented with. 

One hand slowly wandered up Draco's shirt and started toying with the top button. The other caressed his partner's hip bone. Draco's body felt amazing under Harry's hands. He fleetingly wondered if he had ever touched another person's hips like that, or felt their adam's apple bob against his knuckles. Coming up blank, he dismissed the idle thought and explored further. The top button gave and Harry's left hand playfully approached the second one while his right tugged on the hem of Draco's shirt to tease it from its tight fit beneath Draco's belt. 

Draco's posture had changed from a relaxed slouch to anticipatory tension the moment the first button popped open. With the second, he arched his back and moaned quietly. Harry was delighted.  He was inexperienced and unsure of himself, but it didn't look like Draco cared about that just now. What Harry was doing seemed to be alright in Draco's book. Bolstered by the overwhelmingly positive feedback, Harry continued savouring his exploration of Draco's torso.  Draco rewarded him with more moans and restless, twisting motions of his entire body. His back arched, his heels dug into the bark of their shared branch. Leaves rustled. 

By the time Harry had completely exposed Draco's chest and curiously nudged one finger against Draco's right nipple, Draco was whining in obvious need and his trousers sported a noticeable tent. The tip glistened wetly in the bright afternoon sunlight falling through the dappled leaves. Entranced, Harry stretched out his other hand and lightly touched his index finger against it.

Draco nearly leapt off the branch. "Aaah! Harry!!!" Draco's back pushed insistently against Harry's chest. It almost felt like Draco was trying to crawl into him. Heat rushed through Harry at seeing his erstwhile rival like that -  seeking out Harry's touch, begging with his body to be cared for, to be handled, to be… to… 

_Oh._

Draco had mentioned something like that in their earlier talk as _a thing some people like,_ hadn't he? Harry had accepted the information in the spirit it appeared to be given: Purely informative. A thing _other people_ liked. But that wasn't exactly what Draco had meant, was it?

"Draco?" Harry asked softly.

"Mmmh?" Draco made, beyond words, but angling his head back in a listening pose.

"Draco," Harry said again, lightly wrapping one hand around the back of Draco's neck as he spoke. "Would you like me to take care of you?"

Draco's breath hitched.  A shudder ran through his entire body, then he seemed to freeze in place. 

Harry waited, tense and with baited breath, but already confident of the answer. 

After a moment that seemed to last  for an entire geological era and be over in the blink of a  giant aye-aye, Draco shakily gave a single, choppy nod. Then he turned around and buried his face in Harry's chest. 

Harry wrapped his arms firmly around the shivering blond. "I've got you," he promised. "Draco, I've got you."

Harry hugged Draco to his chest and felt a rush of fondness overtake his libido and turn everything on its head. How had they gone from sex to this level of affection so fast?

Looking back on their interactions over the past few days, Harry had to admit it really wasn't all that fast. Harry himself had been stealthily cuddling with Draco while the other man slept; and Draco, now that he thought about it, had been stealing touches right and left ever since they arrived in this age.

And was it any wonder? They had just lived through a war. They had saved each other's lives. Both of them had lived through enough danger and trauma to break any man - as _children._ They had been burdened with responsibilities far beyond their age, buried underneath an avalanche of unreasonable expectations. And neither of them had had reliable adults in their lives that could be trusted to want nothing but their safety and happiness.

Even before the war, they had spent years focused on each other. Admittedly, as adversaries, but the fact remained that their lives had very much revolved around each other. Harry _knew_ Draco. He knew how Draco reacted to a challenge, to danger or to a positive surprise. He had seen the other man run the gamut of emotions during their shared school years, from happiness to anger to pain and heartache.

They both knew each other. And, odd though it might have seemed less than a year ago, Harry now knew that there was trust, and desire, and none of it was one-sided.

So yes, if Draco wanted to feel safe and cared for and to let go of responsibility for this one day, Harry understood. His heart pounded faster in his chest. He understood, and he was unexpectedly eager to provide.

A moment ago, things had been heated, he had felt nervous and aroused and unbelievably exposed. And now? Now he just felt protective.

Oh, and also very excited.

Even as he hugged Draco close and lightly stroked the other man's naked back, Harry felt the hard nudge of  Draco's unflagging erection  against his abs.  While he tugged one finger into the back of Draco's trousers, Harry sent the other one questing between them.  Finding his quarry, he wrapped his fingers firmly around the cloth-covered tip. 

Draco mewled.

"What do you want, Draco, hm?" Harry hummed. "Do you want me to hold you like this?" He gave a rough twist. Draco gasped. "Do you want me to give you what you have given me?"  He licked a wet stripe down the side of Draco's neck to demonstrate his  meaning and was rewarded with another full-body shiver. His voice dropped entirely outwith his own control as he continued: "Or do you want me to fuck you, Draco?"  His own prick was recovering nicely and was already halfway hard again. 

"Harry…, " Draco whined, sounding as confused as Harry had only moments ago. "Harry… please!"

Harry chuckled softly. "I'll take that as a yes."

"Please…"

"Yes."  There was a quiet, confident authority in Harry's voice when he spoke. He had zero experience,  true,  but somehow he felt that it would be alright.  They had talked about the mechanics of the act extensively, and besides, this wasn't exactly advanced potions work.  Draco would let him know if he didn't do it right.  He was not doing this alone. It was going to be okay. 

Having Draco begging for his attention, and what was more:  _trusting_ Harry to be what Draco needed, that was a heady feeling.  Harry had never thought this could happen. When he fantasized about  being with Draco, sometimes those had been fantasies about being waylaid by the Slytherin in a dark and out-of-the-way secret passage, the poor, innocent Gryffindor virgin being ravished by the cunning, evil Slytherin. 

Now, he realized that while Draco may be all of that - cunning, and  experienced, far above Harry's station in many ways, and sometimes evil, too - he was also a young man for whom life had been no easier than for Harry himself, these past years, and who needed someone to cling to just as desperately as Harry did. 

Harry could give him that.

The thought felt warm and right in his mind and it lit up a fire inside Harry in a place Harry hadn't paid any mind to in far too long.  Chest aching with sudden tenderness, he withdrew both hands to place them on Draco's cheeks.  Lifting Draco's face up, Harry gazed down into watery, grey eyes. He felt his lips curl into a soft smile a moment before he bent down to kiss Draco. 

Harry's first kiss had been wet, in a way he couldn't process right. This kiss was, surprisingly, just as wet. This time, though, it was fine. More than fine.  Draco was crying, and Harry thought maybe he himself was crying too, but… "It's alright," Harry repeated, "I've got you."

The kiss started out soft and tender, but s oon took a  sharp  left turn and they rocketed back toward frenzied hunger.  Suddenly both of them were scrambling to their feet and Harry was helping Draco to lose his shoes and trousers and then Draco was as naked as Harry and they were kissing again, tumbling around heedless of the nearly fifteen foot drop below them. Draco's back crashed into the tree trunk and how had they switched places on the narrow branch? It didn't matter, not when Harry was kissing Draco again, sloppy, open-mouthed kisses while he pushed Draco back against the tree, one hand lifting Draco's crossed wrists above their heads and pinning them to the tree and oh - !

"Sit," Harry said, dominance lacing his heated voice. 

Draco's eyes widened and he hastily sunk down, leaning back against the tree with his legs spread,  propped up with his  feet as far apart as the width of their branch allowed.  This position presented his erection to best effect. Harry approved. 

"Hands up," Harry commanded; Draco obeyed.  Drawing his holly wand, he aimed it at Draco with a confident look  from underneath heavy lids. This kind of spells he was proficient at.  "Haerereo!" 

Draco's eyes widened as his hands were stuck to the tree trunk as though with magic superglue. Like Harry, he had two wands, the holsters securely strapped to both lower arms, but with the way even his separate fingers adhered to the tree they were going to do him as much good as a stuffed vulture hat in potions class. "Now you can't accidentally fall, no matter what I do to you," Harry said, bending down and caressing Draco's cheek. Harry grinned impishly. "Or get away."

Draco's breath hitched.

Harry knelt down in front of Draco and softly cupped both his cheeks again before pulling Draco into another intense kiss. They were both panting when they broke apart and Harry assumed he must look as debauched as Draco did. Then again, maybe that was a good look on Harry. The sun reflected off his glasses and Draco stared at the sparkle, transfixed, like a hapless shrimp worshipping the alluring light of an anglerfish.

Harry leant back and took a moment to appreciate the picture Draco made, naked against the rough bark of the tree, hanging from his invisible bonds to lean in toward Harry, his eyes burning with arousal and an edge of pleading.

_Wow. Okay, yes. I am really doing this. ...Oh, I am_ so _doing this!_

Harry felt the corner of his mouth tick up again and saw Draco's eyes grow slightly wary in response. His grin stretched wider, possibly increasing his resemblance with the predatory anglerfish. Slowly, he extended a single finger and trailed it up Draco's erection.

Draco's hips immediately pushed up, straining to lean into the touch; Harry evaded. Again, Harry extended a single finger, this time touching it to Draco's left nipple. Draco arched his back in response, but once again he was foiled by his bonds. Again and again, Harry reeled Draco in, and the blond arched into his caress. Harry kept torturing Draco with feather-light, swift touches until he had his partner cursing and begging him in turns.

Harry once more took his holly wand in hand and raised both eyebrows at Draco. "Let's see if I get this right…" Visualizing the gesture Draco had made clearly before his inner eye, Harry pointed the wand at a nearby leaf. "Lubricus." The leaf drooped and glistened in the sunlight with its new sheen of bright, viscous fluid.

Satisfied, Harry aimed the tip of his wand point blank between Draco's legs and confidently spoke: "Tergeo" before repeating: "Lubricus."

The fire in Draco's eyes immediately burned hotter. "Yessss…," he hissed.

Good, then.

Harry re-sheathed his wand to free his hands, which he laid on Draco's knees and then pushed slowly up the blond man's equally blond thighs. They trembled under his touch like the legs of an ornithopod when faced with the serrated teeth of an allosaurus. Harry felt his heartbeat quicken. Draco must be feeling similarly excited, his breath coming in short, loud pants as he sat there, helplessly waiting for Harry to finally give him what they both wanted.

But Harry had no intention to rush this. Taking his time, he slowly slid his hands all the way up Draco's thighs, until his fingers barely brushed against Draco's balls. A whimper rewarded the contact. But Harry did not linger there. Instead, he trailed the tips of his fingers along the crease between Draco's thighs and his pelvis, eliciting more whimpers and a heated glare.

Chuckling, Harry finally moved both hands between Draco's legs. One of them lightly grasped the blond's erection. It felt good in his hand, a solid, smooth warmth. Harry allowed his left hand little movements up and down the shaft, the gesture stoking both Draco's pleasure and his own. His right hand, meanwhile, slid further down until it arrived behind Draco's ball sack.

"Spread them further," Harry directed huskily and Draco, straining for release, immediately obeyed. He slid down as far as his pinned hands would allow and spread his legs wide, feet planted against the branch and knees sticking out on either side, to grant Harry the best possible access.

Harry rewarded Draco with a peck on the cheek and stroked his erection some more. Then he cautiously slid one finger across Draco's pucker. A sharply in-drawn breath and one of those enticing full-body shudders told him just how sensitive a spot that was. Carefully, he dipped the tip of one finger in the ample supply of lubricant there, then circled Draco's hole with it. Draco writhed and gasped in response.

Harry had a momentary lapse where the image of two flesh-eating slugs dangling off a branch with their penises wrapped around each other like a kinky sort of macramé flashed into his mind. He hastily chased the unbidden image away and focused back on the naked form of Draco Malfoy, enticingly spread out for Harry's pleasure.

When Harry had gotten up this morning, he seriously hadn't seen this coming. But he was ridiculously happy with where he was right now. Slowly, eager to please yet afraid of causing pain, Harry inched his finger into the tight opening.

"Yes," Draco breathed. "More, Harry. Give me more!"

Well. Okay then.

Harry pushed his finger further in. Once all the way in, he turned it a little this way and that.

"There," Draco suddenly said, his entire body clenching up. Harry grinned. Had he found Draco's prostate? He eagerly repeated the last motion. Draco gasped and tightened, near crushing Harry's hand.

"Woah there," Harry said, smacking Draco's thigh in playful warning. "Don't kill the hand, I still need it."

"Dammit Harry," Draco cursed, "don't stop now!"

Laughing, Harry repeated the same gesture again, once, twice - and Draco came all over his own belly and Harry's left hand.

Harry laughed harder. "That good, is it?"

"You have no idea," Draco sighed happily. His eyes closed for a moment. Unwilling to disturb him, Harry froze, one hand still on Draco's softening prick, the other inside his now less tightly clenched arse.

"Still want you to fuck me," Draco mumbled.

The corner of Harry's mouth ticked up. "You do, do you?"

"Uhun."

"Very eloquent, Mister Malfoy."

"Sod off, Potter."

"Sure," Harry said and made as if to withdraw his hand.

"Oy!" Draco complained. "None of that, now."

Laughing, Harry slid his finger back in. "Much better," Draco sighed. He sounded so relaxed, and content. Harry preened inwardly. He liked that he had done that to Draco. But he also thought he might like to experience that himself, sometime.

He really, really hoped this wasn't just going to be a one-time thing. But until he knew for sure? Better make the most of it. "So you want to keep going?" he asked, needing to make sure. "Not too sore?"

"Yes to the first, and no to the second. Please, go ahead." He sounded so put-together, as proud and composed as a marsupial lion at rest even as he was half-hanging from a tree, naked, hair tousled and his lower body covered in his own spunk. How? How did he do that?

Snorting in mild disbelief at Draco's irritating poise and his own ridiculous envy, Harry wiped his sticky left hand off on Draco's thigh.

"Hey!"

"What? You're already covered in it anyway."

"Rude." A huff.

"Yup," Harry agreed sunnily. "That's what you get for throwing in with an uncouth Gryffindor."

"I should have known."

"You really, really should have. But, too late now to cry over spilled… er. Hehe."

Draco rolled his eyes. "You are such a dimwit sometimes."

Harry didn't let it phase him. "Takes one to know one." Harry would never get tired of harmlessly bantering with Draco. For so many years, they had sniped at each other in earnest. To trade insults now and know that they were not actually meant to hurt? That was immensely freeing. He felt light, and happy; and very ready to have exciting sex with Draco.

Testing the waters so to speak, Harry twitched the finger still buried inside Draco a little. Draco hummed, but otherwise didn't react. Harry frowned, considering his options. He could keep this up until Draco was ready to go again, but chances were his hand would cramp long before that. Having sex up in a tree was kind of hot; yet comfortable it was not. Also, his knees were scraped raw and he didn't want to know what the skin across Draco's shoulder blades looked like.

His aching knees reminded Harry of the fact that they had yet to see any dinosaur kneel or crouch; were they physically incapable of bending their knees? And if so, how did the larger ones lay their eggs, what with their butts so far above ground?

...Yeah, time to get out of this tree.

Draco made a slightly disgruntled noise when Harry withdrew his finger, but otherwise didn't protest. Nor did he comment when Harry unstuck his hands from the tree trunk and took a moment to hug Draco tightly to his chest.

He regretted that a little when the drying spunk made a squelching noise between them. Draco chuckled.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," Harry griped. Then, more softly: "Come on, up you get." He helped Draco to his feet and they somewhat woozily each made their way down, like a couple of stoned terrible apes.

"Tergeo," Harry cast at Draco, then again at himself: "Tergeo."

"Much better," Draco commented and Harry agreed. He was quite convinced that never in the history of mankind had the feeling of drying come pulling at one's skin been lauded as a positive experience. Admittedly, they were some ways _before_ the beginnings of the history of mankind - but the sensation still sucked.

"Do you think we'll be safe enough down here?" Harry asked, looking around mistrustfully. It wasn't entirely unthinkable that those rodents rustling past earlier were dangerous. Maybe the tiny furry fuckers had poison in their armpits or something, who knew?

Draco shrugged. "I am exploring my Gryffindor side this week, don't you know. This will be fine."

Waggling his eyebrows, Harry asked: "Got a taste for living dangerously?"

"Well," Draco drawled, "I _am_ giving you the reins, am I not? That does not speak of exaggerated caution." Under his breath, he added: "Nor of a particularly sound mind." Harry wasn't quite sure if he'd been meant to hear that. Either way, the comment surprised a quick, startled laugh out of him.

He wasn't going to argue with the truth.

"Soo… You want to just lie down in the grass?" Harry asked. He surveyed the plants around their retreat-tree with a critical eye. From personal experience this past week, he knew most of it was fairly soft, but he'd gotten the impression Draco didn't think so.

Indeed, the blond quickly gathered up his erstwhile discarded clothes and made a nest from them. "There," he pronounced, satisfied, then dropped unceremoniously down in the middle of the soft pile.  "But I need you to not bleed on my silk shirt. Episkey." His wand pointed at Harry's knees as he spoke and healed the abrasions there. 

"Thanks," Harry said. "Want me to do your back?"

Draco laughed. "I want you to 'do my back' alright, Harry, but I don't need any healing.  My shoulders are just a  little sore, not  scraped raw."

"Ah. Good then." Fighting down a blush, Harry walked over to Draco and stood a moment, admiring the view. Below him, looking up, Draco did likewise. Their eyes met and they grinned at each other.

"You're too far away," Draco complained mock-haughtily. "Get down here."

"Yes, sir," Harry said snappily and dropped down on top of Draco.

"OUFFF!"

"Ehehe."

Draco didn't complain for long after Harry renewed the lubrication charm and bent back to his former task. The make-out session in the tree had been hot, with Draco all tied up and open for Harry like that, Harry thought. But this was nice, too. Draco was a lot more relaxed, now that he was comfortable, and the angle was easier on Harry's wrist. His finger easily slid in and out and he could soon add a second one, then a third.

By the time Harry had sufficiently opened Draco up, both of them were flushed and panting again, erections fully hard and aching.

"This okay?" Harry asked. There had been a time when Malfoy would have punished such insecurity with a sneer, and Potter would have tried to defend his honour by lashing out. But here and now, Draco stared earnestly into Harry's eyes, licked his dry lips and nodded choppily.

Harry nodded back. Then he lined his prick up and slowly pushed in. Draco lifted his legs and hooked his ankles behind Harry's back, pulling Harry in tightly.

It was… hot. And tight. Exciting, and highly arousing. But also?

"I've never been so close to another person before." The words came out unbidden, like they just had to be spoken.

Wide-eyed, Draco looked up at Harry's face above his own. "Me either." His voice sounded raw.

Even buried balls-deep in Draco, Harry had enough brain capacity left to find that odd. "But you've had sex…?"

"That, yes. Still haven't ever felt this close to anyone."

Warmth flooded Harry's chest at Draco's words. "Draco."

Blushing, Draco looked away and closed his eyes. They weren't really in a position to get away from each other, though, and Harry wasn't inclined to let him. Lowering himself carefully onto Draco, he put his mouth to the blond's ear and whispered: "Love you too."

Draco tensed. "I didn't say -"

"And you don't have to," Harry said. "And maybe that's not what you meant." _Merlin, let it be what he meant._ "But as for myself… I, uh. Do. Love you. ...I hope I'm not making this awkward."

Harry found that the heat in his chest had drastically changed from a glorious warmth to the burning fire of embarrassment. What if he had misjudged things? What if Draco really just wanted a casual affair, a one-off, and not a relationship? Harry had behaved like a right heel, then. They were in the middle of having sex, for fuck's sake, and he dropped the L-bomb on Draco.

_Way to go, Potter._

His internal voice sounded like fourth year Draco Malfoy.

Great.

Undeterred by his emotional crisis, his prick inside Draco's body was still hard enough to drill holes. At Harry's attention returning to it, it gave an eager twitch.

_Shoot me now._

"Umh," Draco made. Apparently he'd also felt it.

"Look, you don't have to say it back. Or say anything, really. Just, ignore I said anything, maybe? Please? It's probably just the sex talking, anyway, and - "

"Yes."

Harry pushed himself up on his elbows and looked down at Draco, blinking. "Yes, what?"

"Yes, alright, let's not talk about this now," Draco said irritably.

That was what Harry had been asking for; but it wasn't what he had furtively hoped to hear. It must have shown on his features, for Draco's own face scrunched up, obviously displeased. Harry felt even more foolish, now.

Turning his face aside as though he could no longer stand to look at Harry, Draco quietly muttered: "But, you know, I do love you, too."

"You -?!"

"Not now," Draco snapped. "We just agreed, didn't we? Let's talk about that later." He was still looking toward the mountains rather than at Harry, but there was a telling flush high in his cheek.

Harry beamed. "Yes, sure. Alright." The blood in his prick pulsed, reminding him of exactly where he was and what he had been doing. Tentatively, he pulled out a little and slid back in.

They both groaned.

"Yes, that," Draco said, finally looking at Harry again. "C'mon." His legs around Harry tightened, nudging him to move, _move._

Harry nodded frantically and followed Draco's not so subtle prompt.

Wow, that felt good.

It took Harry a while to figure out his own limbs and the unaccustomed position, all the while feeling about as graceful as an overweight megatherium, but in time he began to move with more force and confidence. Draco made it easy, too. He moved into Harry's thrusts, arching his butt up to meet him, and his gasps and moans let Harry know exactly when he was doing it right.

Their arousal fed off each other, every gasp and moan and shudder experienced and welcomed by them both. So when Harry felt his orgasm building, he wasn't all that surprised that Draco was right there with him. "Going to come," he huffed, and no sooner had he said it than Draco gripped his own prick and started to wank furiously. Draco's knuckles rubbed against Harry's abs, their path slickened by their combined sweat and it should have been uncomfortable but somehow it wasn't. They raced each other toward the peak, Draco's hand generating a glistening blur between them while Harry's hips slapped against Draco's rear in a furious rhythm until, with twin shouts, the tension exploded.

Harry felt his prick pumping into Draco. Hot, tight, warm release. Overwhelmed, he lowered himself to lie down on top of Draco. No longer needing his arms to hold himself up, he buried one hand in Draco's hair, ruffling the sweaty blond locks affectionately. His other hand came to stretch out in the grass along their sides. A moment later, it was captured by one of Draco's. Their fingers linked and Draco gave Harry's hand a squeeze.

Harry's heart skipped a beat.

_Love,_ he thought wonderingly.  This wasn't a white picket fence and two and a half children and a dog, but it was sure something. 

Hold that thought.

"Umh… Draco?"

"Mhm?"

"Say, those contraception charms, uh…"

"Mh?"

"Do all of them need to be applied before the sex or are there some that work afterwards, too?"

"'s all before."

"Oh."

…

...

"Did them."

"You… really?"

"Mhm. When climbing down from the tree. No risk."

"I didn't think I could love you more, yet here we are."

Draco turned his head and tried to  glare at him, but for once it failed utterly: He looked much too happily shagged out.  "What, you don't want my children?"

"Didn't say that," Harry replied easily. "Just not now. I don't think teenage pregnancies are the way to go, do you?"  His hand was still petting Draco's hair and the blond's eyes quickly fell mostly closed again. 

"Nah."

"Agreed, then. We'll wait at least another couple of years."

"Heh. Sure."

* * *

It had been fourteen days. Fourteen pretty wild days, Harry thought, where he'd seen dinosaurs having bone-achingly heavy sex, gone fishing and exploring with Draco, been chased by some fast-running kind of carnivore and, since they were both colossal idiots, ridden on one of the more peacefully grazing herbivores. In hind-sight, not their smartest move, but the thing had barely even seemed to notice them.

Oh, and he'd been fucked six ways from Sunday.

Heh. The first time they had sex _had_ actually been on a Sunday, at least if they called the day of their arrival a Wednesday, like it had been when they left home. By that time scheme, it was now Tuesday, and close to noon; time for Harry and Draco to get ready to go home. They didn't think the ritual would give them any warning, just as it hadn't warned them at the beginning of their journey. One moment, they'd been sitting in the chamber of secrets, correctly pronouncing the wording of the time-travel ritual, though apparently surrounded by faulty runes, and the next they were standing in a field in pre-historic ...wherever this was. 

Harry gathered his little bundle of trophies - a few scales one of the larger dinos had lost, a few nuts and leaves for potential later identification via textbook, a couple of bones and, to his ever-lasting shame, a piece of bark from the tree Draco and he had their first sexual encounter in.

_Harry and Draco sitting in a tree..._

He actually felt a little nostalgic as he looked around now, thinking he would never be able to return to this exact time and place. He'd never climb naked-assed into that tree, never munch on those berries wondering if they would nourish him or kill him, never again be faced with a charging triceratops bull, and never again see that bright light growing in the distant noonday sky…

Wait a second.

"Draco," Harry said. "Have I told you today that I love you?"

"Once or twice," the blond smirked. "Love you too." Funny how easily they could both say it, now.

Harry kissed him. "I love you. Just wanted you to know, in case we don't make it back."

Draco frowned. "The ritual is going to work."

"I'm not worried about that."

"Really?" Draco asked sceptically. "Then what are you worried about?"

Harry mutely pointed a finger at the western sky.

Draco looked. And looked.

Harry had learned over the past week of their close acquaintance that Draco tended to spew random facts about fascinating creatures' mating habits when nervous.  Case in point:

"Have you ever used essence of murtlap? Those rodents are _wild._ Male murtlaps start having sex the moment they reach their maturity and don't stop until they drop dead. Makes for a very short life, they mature at eleven months - but what a way to go!"

"Yeah, what a way to go," Harry echoed hollowly.  "So, have you ever considered that the muggle historians might be onto something?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

Together, they watched the flaming shape of the approaching meteorite rapidly grow in the western sky. It was kind of pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, there's another chapter coming soon. ; ) Just a short one to wrap things up, though.


	3. Home, Sweet Home

"Harry! Where have you been? I've been looking for you for _hours!"_

Harry stared blankly at Hermione.

"You look like you've seen a dementor!" Hermione drew him into a hug. "Are you alright?"

Hermione's hug was warm, nice, and also too tight. Harry realized he hadn't really been breathing until Hermione entirely cut off his air supply. Consciously exercising his chest muscles, Harry took a huge, gulping breath, then let it out slowly. "I'm… I'm alright. Surprisingly."

He looked around the Gryffindor common room, with its friendly, warm colours, its solid stone walls and its distinct lack of flaming celestial missiles. He smiled and shook off some of the frozen terror that had accompanied him all the way back up from the Chamber of Secrets and the remains of their failed runework. He was home. There was no reason to be nervous, things were fine.

Hermione still seemed highly worried. He better say something to put her at ease…

"Did you know that  hodags carry their young beneath the skin of their back until they dig their way out,  and bandicoots have more than one vagina?"

* * *

"I have an idea."

"Oh yeah?"

"Nothing like that, you perv. No, I mean for our herbology project, since we didn't manage to meet Helga Hufflepuff after all."

"Do tell." Draco perked up, the lazy contentedness morphing into attentive-listening-mode.

"I… may or may not have an artefact that will allow me to contact the dead."

"You have one of the Hallows?! They are real???"

"Umh, yes." Draco was one of those rare wizards who believed in the tale of the three brothers. Go figure. Well, at least that made this part a lot easier. Harry was not interested in a return to the fourth year status quo where Draco called him a nutter and _Potter Stinks_ buttons flashed throughout the ancient halls of Hogwarts. 

"It was actually Voldemort who found the Resurrection Stone; don't ask me where and how. Dumbledore found Voldemort's hiding place and took it, then later passed it on to me." Harry didn't go into the details. The less said about the second time he died and did a Frankenstein impression, the better.

"So you are proposing we use the sacred ancient artefact of legends to call up Helga Hufflepuff from the grave in order to improve our grades?"

When he said it like that, it just sounded cheap. "Basically, yes."

"Count me in."

* * *

"...so what about this one,  the  _letitica? The leaves aren't quite heart-shaped, but the way it's supposed to wrap around a victim's legs is very similar to what that creeper vine did to you on day  eight, isn't it?" _

__

"That wasn't a  _letitica molvensis,"_ a voice scoffed at their backs. 

__

Harry turned around. "Neville? What makes you say that?"

__

"It had  _black spots,"_ Neville said in a  _duh, obvious!_ tone of voice. Possibly, for a herbology prodigy like him, it was. "So clearly, it was a  _cara platenova."_

__

"Alright," Harry said. "Thanks Neville."

__

He bent back down to his book and started researching the next plant on his list of  _weird shit I saw several million years ago._ Humming slightly under his breath, he turned the pages.  Draco had stopped his own research, sitting still as a statue beside Harry. Gradually,  Harry's own  fingers slowed, then stilled. 

__

"...uhm." He turned back to Neville. "Neville. I love you, mate, but - what the fuck? How do you know what kind of plants I saw while, uh, doing research for our  herbology project with Draco?" 

__

Neville looked at him with wide-eyed innocence that was… clearly fake.

__

_What, what?_

__

Neville oh-so-casually cast muffliato  and drawled:  "Yes, how could I possibly know about your totally secret and absolutely professional journey to the past?" 

__

Woah. Boy sure had changed in the year Harry had been away. Before leading a dangerous rebellion and chopping the head off Voldemort's snake, Neville would never have had the self-confidence, nor the malice, to be so  _sassy._

__

"How _do_ you?!" Harry was totally stumped. What on earth…?

__

"Weeeell… Let's see." Neville fully turned around in his library chair and raised both hands. He started ticking off points on his fingers. "One: This is herbology we're talking about. Two: I have no idea how you escaped the Snatchers for as long as you did, Harry, I really don't. Plotting secret, illegal time-travel in the _library,_ mate? What gives? Three: Helga Hufflepuff is my _idol._ How could you possibly think I wouldn't be all over that like Ron on a signed Cannons poster? And four: Should I really have expected that Draco Malfoy, poster-boy for ancient runes excellence and perfectionism, would fuck up the runework so completely to miss by several millennia?"

__

"You copied our design," Draco stated, voice flat.

__

"Yeah. While you were down in the chamber, I was chanting right along with you, thanks to the nifty little spy charm Luna gave me. I was out in my own botched rune circle - again, copied from you, flaws and all - hidden among the devil's snare in my partition of greenhouse five."

__

"And you accidentally followed us to the jurassic age."

__

"Uh-huh."

__

"You're lucky you made it back before that meteor hit." Harry and Neville broke out in full-body shivers at the memory.

__

Harry blinked, and suddenly Draco wasn't sitting beside him any more, but standing in front of Neville, the Gryffindor now half-hanging in the air by Draco's fist around his tie. "Tell me," Draco hissed. Harry could barely make it out, his voice was so low. He appreciated that; they seemed to be alone in the library, but apparently he'd been wrong about that before.

__

"Tell me, Longbottom: Did you bring a camera?"

__

"Huh?"

__

"A camera, Longbottom. I know you wouldn't pass up the chance to keep a memento of meeting your idol. So: Did you?"

__

Neville gulped, looked away; then nodded.

__

Harry's eyes narrowed. Slowly, he stood up and joined Draco in looming over the still seated Neville. "And just what did you take pictures off while you were _failing to let us know you were there with us the entire time?"_

__

It was a little gloomy in the library this late in the evening, but even so, Harry saw the colour quickly leave Neville's face. "N-nothing," he mumbled. "Nothing I would ever show to other people, anyway. No need to give away the fact I went illegally time-travelling, r-right?"

__

"Longbottom," Draco hissed, his voice terrifyingly dangerous. Harry felt parts of himself perk up in conditioned response. He forced himself to keep the threatening glower on his own face. "I will end you." Draco's voice was smooth, soft, deadly. "I will flatten your manor, I will poison every single one of your plants. I will ruin your courtship with Abbott, I will lay waste to your school grades, I will make you a pariah amongst our generation for decades to come -"

__

This was getting a bit much, Harry thought; but then again, if Neville had taken the pictures he thought he might have, forcing him to destroy them really was his only hope of ever sleeping soundly again.

__

"- unless you give me copies of every. Single. One. Of those pictures!"

__

_Wait, what?_

__

* * *

__

  
  


__

_Two years later_

__

Harry was lazily sprawled on his back on the lawn behind Malfoy Manor. The devil's snare rustled furtively in the underbrush. The sun shone, glinting off a small pond off to his right. A white peacock whistled in the distance. It was peaceful. 

__

"You remember those dinos fighting each other  with their massive tails?"

__

"Mm-hm."

__

"Their tail motions seemed to be steered by their hindlegs - one foot forward, tail swings left; other foot forward, tail swings right. I looked it up: Scientists thought for a long time they had a second, larger brain at the small of their backs to calculate the path of their tail when fighting. Can't see what they're doing, with their head so far from where the action is. Theory's been discarded, sadly. Imagine: a brain dedicated just to swinging around their tails!  ...It does, however, appear to be true that the muscles connecting their legs to the tail reach all the way down to their knees. Now, answer me this: How in the hell do those guys have sex?!"

__

With a contented sigh, Harry  curled into the man lying beside him.  "What has you so nervous, Draco?"

__

"Move in with me?"

__

Harry laughed. He raised his head to look his lover in the eye. "Draco. When have I last actually been to my flat in Camden?"

__

"I don't… huh."

__

"Your mother formally accepted me into the family five months ago, Draco."

__

"Really?! Where was I when this happened?"

__

"Raiding a muggle store for more toys, I believe. Too bad, really. The look on your father's face was priceless. I'll have to rent a pensieve to show you…"

__

Draco gave a downright evil smirk that took Harry way back. "See that you do."

__

  
  


__

~ The End ~

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it, the end. Except not quite. Because Susnake wanted to know why Neville hadn't made himself known to Draco and Harry even though chances of survival would have been much higher together. If you'd also like to know, read on. The next chapter should be out tomorrow. It's a bit mean, though. ; )
> 
> Also: 
> 
> All of the peculiar mating habits Draco names actually occur in nature. I mostly got them from Mara Grunbaum's hilarious book "WTF, Evolution?!" (German translation; I had to use wikipedia to get the English names for some of them. Wiki largely confirmed the weirdness about their genitals or mating habits). Here's who gets what:
> 
> Kneazel, Werewolf - cat, dog  
> Golden snidget - duck  
> Imperial dragonfly - praying mantis  
> Female tongue-eating louse - female tongue-eating louse. This is a real thing, I kid you not. Look it up.  
> Flesh-eating slug - leopard slug (Thank you CuriosaMaxima for the translation!)  
> Centaurs, erumpents - horses, tapirs  
> Horclumps - balanidae  
> Murtlap - yellow-footed antechinus  
> Hodag - common Suriname toad  
> Bandicoot - kangaroo
> 
> While to my knowledge there is no species with poisonous armpits, there is, in fact, a type of lori that produces poison in its elbow. They apparently then take the poison in their mouths, rendering their bite deadly even for humans.  
> Seriously, wtf evolution. :P
> 
> Finally, check out [this hilarious video.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElFyDjV7rmw) :D


	4. On Special Request: Neville's Story

"Yes."

"Merlin, I love you so much!" Neville stood up and wrapped his arms around Hannah. They stayed like that for long minutes before slowly separating again. Neville took a step back and focused on Hannah with a serious look. "Before we… do this. Before we announce it to the world. There's something you need to know about me."

Hannah had been by his side through most of seventh year. She knew he still had nightmares, about the war, about Uncle Algie, and - to his quiet shame - about Snape, even still. He wanted there to be no secrets between them. But there was that one thing…

"Tell me." Her bright, blue eyes looked at him with trust and love.

Neville swallowed nervously. He sat down at their table and took a sip of water. Hannah sat down next to him, taking his free hand and holding on tightly.

"You remember that herbology project we had to do in our last year? Where Harry and Malfoy somehow managed to hand in Helga Hufflepuff's restored formula against dementia and I got full marks for my theory on the evolution of the devil's snare?"

"Yes," Hannah immediately confirmed. "Hard to forget, really. I have no idea how you came up with the idea that the earliest representatives of that class might have been fire resistant, but it makes so much sense if you consider -"

Holding up his now glass-free hand, Neville grinned at Hannah's embarrassed flush. He'd known he had found the right partner the first time they nerded out over the sensuality of a mimbulus mimbletonia's crooning sounds.

"Thank you, love." He pecked a kiss on her lips. "What I need to tell you now is… is why I know exactly that the ancient devil's snare did not mind fire."

Hannah's eyes grew wide as saucers. "How?"

"Harry and Malfoy created a ritual to travel back to the founders' time to ask Helga Hufflepuff herself about her formula."

"But that's illegal!"

Neville snorted. "You think that would have stopped those two?"

Hannah cocked her head. "Not really. And, I take it, it didn't stop you either?"

"This _is_ herbology we are talking about. I mean, can you imagine meeting Helga Hufflepuff?"

Hannah ceded the point, whistling. "Neville, wow. You met Hufflepuff herself?"

"...No."

"Did they refuse to take you?"

"Wish it were that simple!" Neville ruefully shook his head. "No, I never asked. Instead, I got Luna to make me a spy charm and then I copied their ritual, rune for rune and word for word. When they travelled to the past, so did I."

"But Hufflepuff refused to see you?"

Meeting her eyes and suppressing a shudder, Neville admitted: "None of us ever made it to the founders' time. I don't know how the chaos duo ended up getting her formula to work regardless, but I can promise you it wasn't from talking to whom we met in the past."

"Whom did you meet?" Hannah was now sitting tensely on the edge of her seat. Neville, however, leaned back in his chair in a tired slump.

"Dinosaurs."

"What?!"

"Apparently," Neville explained with his eyes closed, presenting the picture of weary acceptance, "Malfoy, _the_ never-go-wrong potions and ancient runes prodigy Draco Malfoy, did the Ancient Amestresian equivalent of forgetting to dot his i's and cross his t's."

"But… but…"

"So, by copying their _exact_ design, I was sucked into the age of dinosaurs right alongside Harry and Malfoy."

"Wow."

Neville sighed. "Yes, wow. It would have been amazing." He frowned. "It _was_ amazing, I suppose. Nobody thought time-travel of that magnitude should ever be possible. ...I still think it isn't. I believe we only got there because we were meant to be. Because history needed us to be - but I am getting ahead of myself."

He smiled ruefully. "So, I landed in the past. But, having started out in a different location than Malfoy and Harry, it stood to reason I would not arrive right next to them. Well, I didn't. Instead, I landed inside a thicket of prehistoric devil's snare, and found out it was resistant to fire."

Hannah was a wonderful audience. She gasped, then covered her mouth with both hands, waiting with baited breath for the story of how he had escaped that predicament.

"I was desperate," Neville continued his tale. "There I was, so confident of my herbology knowledge, and about to be strangled by what appeared to be a simple sub-species of devil's snare. My body was completely relaxed, and still it was trying to immobilize my arms, it was cutting off my air supply; and when an incendio did nothing whatsoever to deter it, I panicked. I ended up throwing every cutting and blasting curse at it that I'd learned in the DA or seen anybody use in the Battle of Hogwarts."

"That is a lot of spells." Hannah shivered.

Unlike usual, Neville did not pull her into a hug, but shrank further into his chair and looked down at his hands as he continued his tale. "It was. And still the damned plant would not let me go. Nothing seemed to harm it in any way." With an obvious effort of will, he raised his eyes to meet hers as he spoke the next words. "Nothing except for the Unforgivables."

"Oh, Neville…" Hannah was out of her seat and in Neville's lap in no time, hugging and kissing him and trying to comfort her love who was so obviously struggling with what he had done. "No wonder you never told me about this before, you must be all torn up about using those!"

"I was," Neville whispered. "I am. But that is not…" Sighing, he picked up the story once more. "I discovered the plant's reaction to the Cruciatus when I cast that in an act of desperation and anger. I did not want to end up devil's snare manure in Helga Hufflepuff's backyard! ...At the time, I was still under the mistaken impression that I, that we, had travelled to the founders' time. Anyway, once the Cruciatus worked, I cast that. I cast it again and again, and I could see the pain I was causing the plant in the way its tendrils flinched back from my curses. But it wasn't enough."

"Oh no! So, did you…?"

Neville nodded grimly. "Turns out that the killing curse is as deadly for plants as it is for human beings."

Hannah hugged him tighter. "What an awful way to arrive in the past! I hope it only got better from there? Did you meet up with the other two afterwards?"

"No." Neville huffed an exasperated laugh. "Because when have you ever known things to simply work out for me? There's a reason I am known for being clumsy and accident-prone, and it's not all down to Uncle Algie, either."

Snuggling into Neville's chest, Hannah softly said: "Tell me."

So Neville told her. He explained how he had extricated himself from the remains of the slain devil's snare only to run smack into a herd of hungry, predatory reptiles. How he had tried to reconcile his current predicament with the notion of being in the founders' time and given that up at the sight of pterodactyls soaring overhead. How he had escaped his pursuers by diving into a river, which had had a much stronger current than the calm surface suggested, and been carried off.

He'd been struggling with a bit of a cold when he embarked on this adventure and of course, the icy river water did nothing to alleviate his symptoms.

By the time he made it back to his starting point, weak, hungry, soaking wet and with a sore throat that made him virtually incapable of speaking, the better part of the day had passed. He found Harry and Malfoy in time to hear Malfoy's conclusion that the ritual would carry them back home in two weeks' time, but then was set upon by deadly insects and had to escape before he could make his presence known to his school mates.

And so it went, one mishap after another. In his delirious state brought on by the cold, Neville failed to be as silent and inconspicuous as he would have liked and kept running into predatory dinosaurs, poisonous plants and smaller wildlife left, right and centre. He did not properly remember all of it, but he assumed he had left a wide path of destruction in his wake.

At least enough of his herbology knowledge carried over into the jurassic age to keep him well-fed.

By the time he managed to return yet again to the area he had last encountered Harry and Malfoy, he had recovered enough to start enjoying his trip to the past. He was cataloguing the plant life, taking a wealth of pictures of every plant he thought he recognized and even more of those he didn't.

"I had my camera out, ready to snap a picture of their stunned faces when I suddenly stepped out of the underbrush. But when I caught sight of them, it turned out that I could have danced the naked hula in front of them and they would not have noticed."

Hannah's body tensed in his arms at the words. Her head rose and Neville saw a lovely blush on her cheeks. "I would have noticed."

Neville blushed, himself. "I'll keep that in mind."

"So, uh, back to the story. You know how Harry and Malfoy have been circling each other like courting coco rumsey catchers, right?"

Hannah chuckled. "Yes, though they brought each other insults and ill-timed potions ingredients rather than pretty flowers."

"Exactly. Well, when I came upon them, they were. Uh. Done courting."

Hannah's eyes grew wide. "Ooooh…. PLEASE tell me you have pictures!"

Neville gaped at her for a moment, then shut his mouth with an audible click. "Every time I think I have reached the peak, my adoration for you grows yet again. How is it that we think so much alike?"

"Oh you wonderful man, is that a yes?!"

The next two hours were spent looking at Neville's pictures from the past and… dealing with any issues that arose from that particular little excursion.

Lying next to each other in blissful relaxation while their breaths slowly evened out, Hannah eventually asked for the rest of Neville's tale.

"Well," he continued, lightly petting the curve of her hips, "there isn't much more to tell…"

"Liar," she chided him softly.

Neville sighed. "So, I realized that they had a _thing_ going on and decided not to disturb the two love birds in their tree and stick this one out on my own. I'd stayed alive this far, I could go another ten days. Easy. And, surprisingly, I did."

"Not surprisingly," Hannah immediately corrected him. "You are a strong man, Neville Longbottom, no matter what your family would have you believe."

"I know that now," Neville conceded. "Just… old habits, I suppose. You know how my gran always..."

"Stop prevaricating."

Withdrawing his hands from Hannah's body, Neville gulped, then looked up at the ceiling rather than at her. "A… a week after my arrival in the past was the first time I heard a dinosaur cough."

Hannah blinked. "What do you…?"

"Two days later, an entire tribe of raptors tottered past me, sneezing and wobbling on their legs."

"You don't mean…!"

"By the time our two weeks were up, I had seen several carcasses of fallen dinosaurs."

"Oh Merlin, Neville!"

"I think my flu killed the dinosaurs."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time that's really it, folks. I hope you enjoyed reading. Either way, let me know! : )


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